The Creative Process: Surrender not Control

I have been looking to explore different forms of self care. I am typically looking for something tried, tested and predictable, so trying out new experiences and opportunities can often be anxiety provoking. The thought of a new activity starts an inner dialogue that I'm likely not going to be good at it, it will be embarrassing, and everyone will be witness to this failure in real time. Just writing that makes me cringe because I would never want anyone I care for to feel that way themselves yet its almost always my immediate reaction. In the past I have encouraged myself to push past those thoughts and unsettling feelings because deep down I really wanna try. The only way to truly know if its for me is to go for it.

A few years back, I participated in a Mud Run and anyone who knows me can attest to my deep dislike for running. I've tried it on many different occasions, I got cute new workout clothes for it, ran with others, had accountability with a trainer to keep me motived, but in the end I hated it from start to finish. Turns out its not for me and that’s okay. An opportunity came up to join my gym mates in this mud run and I really wanted to be along side them. I had been going to the gym steady for 6 months (also a new activity for me at the time) and I felt really strong and capable. I was not going to let my anxiety hold me back. The day came, and I battled my anxiety throughout that entire race, the nagging thoughts that I'm not strong enough, I'm too slow, and I didn’t train hard enough. I leaned on the support of my peers and their belief in me and I finished that race! I was super nervous but I completed it. I look back on it as an amazing moment in my life and I am still proud of what I accomplished that day.

Therapy was another self care practice I was really nervous to start because I would have to be completely honest and vulnerable to truly receive the benefits. I did not want to show another person the depths of my negativity and sadness, the level of anxiety I was functioning with on a daily basis, and my lack of self worth/self love. I felt shame. I felt nervous. I felt lost. For me, my anxiety was so high when I made that call, it was no longer an option but a necessary action. Talk therapy has become a staple in my life; I actually look forward to those calls now. I am no longer ashamed to say I have one, I'm proud to discuss my time there and how it has helped me reconnect with myself.

This weekend, I attended an afternoon of yoga and intuitive art which turned out to be such a beautiful outlet. I've been searching for ways to express my creative desires this year, and having recently completed a paint by numbers, this felt like such a simple choice. Once faced with that blank canvas though, the anxious thoughts began to fill my head. With this being an intuitive paint session, there would be no expected outcome, no picture for me to reference or colours best suited to this piece; it was on me to decide what would appear. I have always worked best with expectations, a set path, guidelines to start with and room to put my flare on it is ideal for me . Being intuitive, allowing myself to be in full control meant I had to surrender to it completely. I had to trust myself and see what would form. Suddenly it felt daunting, overwhelming and scary.

We started with white paint on a white canvas as a means of getting out that initial nervous, self conscious feeling; just relax into the music and the space. As we moved through our time with the facilitator, we were encouraged to use different tools, turn the canvas for a new perspective, and try out various colors. I found myself getting lost in the music, moving and flowing with the paint, happy with what was coming forward. This ease was contrasted by my mind overthinking the lack of structure; thoughts comparing my canvas to others, I should have planned a basic outline, what will be the perfect colour to add next. This thought intrusion carried on throughout the session, but I didn't let it stop me.

When I reflect on this session of intuitive art, I am able to acknowledge these uncomfortable thoughts, how they made me feel and how they were impacting my experience. I was doing this actively in the moment too, not just here in reflection. I was taking moments to breathe, realign myself and carry on with the project. I decided not to judge my thoughts, but allow them their space and acknowledge their presence. I decided not to allow them to be my truth and released them of their hold on me. This reflection has allowed me to see my own growth and be proud of what I've accomplished for myself.

While I'm sure I've been doing this active self work for much longer than this art session, I haven't been able to truly embody it and claim it as my progress. I've never honoured and loved myself the way that I do now. This self encouragement has allowed me to finally see it, feel connected with it and fell less dissociation with my progress. I'm slowly becoming aware of my growth through my own lenses. I'm not only seeing the growth but I feel deserving of the pride that comes with it. There is no catch, no but, no impending doom. Just me doing the daily work and feeling the rewards.

I hope that after reading this, you can feel encouraged to try that new activity, talk to those people you've wanted to connect with, go to that event, do that thing with a little less hesitation. I have lived too long in a world of what ifs and trying to curate the perfect outcomes that I stopped living. Take a step forward and trust that what is next will unveil itself. It will be scary and anxiety provoking but sometimes we need to push through; we cannot always let these ego driven, intrusive thoughts dictate everything. You may fall, it may be messy, ugly and unpredictable. It could also be beautiful, exciting, stimulating and exactly what you needed to uncover some hidden part of yourself.

Get out there and start sampling the offerings of the world around you. Make new connections. Have new adventures. Put yourself out there even if its just a small step outside your comfort zone.

The magic is waiting for you to be open to receiving it.

Xo Dee

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{Title inspired by quote from Julia Cameron}