Are You “Shoulding” All Over Your Life?

Boundaries, Burnout, and Coming Back to Yourself

There was a point in my life where I started to realize something didn’t feel right. On paper, everything looked good. I had so much to be grateful for; my husband, two beautiful kids, a home, a career, a full life. I was checking all the boxes I thought I was supposed to meet, and yet, underneath all of that, I still felt sad, empty, and unfulfilled. I couldn’t understand it at the time.

Through therapy and self reflection, I began to see that I had been living my life with a list of “shoulds.” Not ones that any single person had handed to me directly, but the kind that quietly build over time, shaped by society, expectations, and the environments we place ourselves in. There’s this unspoken timeline, a set of milestones, and a way we start measuring our lives against them. I found myself constantly thinking I should have spent my time differently, I should have picked the other option, I shouldn’t feel this way, I shouldn’t want something different. I was “shoulding” all over my life, and in the process, I was losing connection with what I actually needed or wanted.

It’s amazing what a little self reflection can uncover. For a long time, I operated as if I didn’t have control over my day-to-day life, over the commitments in my calendar, or the expectations I was trying to meet. My days were full of work, family responsibilities, social plans, trying to be present for everything and everyone. I said yes to it all because I wanted to feel like I was doing it right, like I wasn’t missing out, like I could look back and say I gave my all in every area of my life. But at the end of the day, I started to ask myself how present I actually was in all of it.

I began to notice I was moving through my life on cruise control, meeting expectations that once felt important but no longer aligned with where I was or what I needed. That’s when boundaries started to come into the picture, not as a hard stop or a rigid “no,” but as a way of checking in with myself. A way of asking what I was actually capable of giving, and what something might be costing me in return. For so long, I had been more focused on how my choices affected others than how they affected me. I wanted to be dependable, supportive, successful, the person who could do it all. I wanted the people around me to feel loved, supported, and taken care of, but I hadn’t been considering how much energy I was giving away, and at what expense to my own mental health and wellbeing.

Looking back now, I can see how closely this connects to burnout and the mental load so many of us carry. When you’re constantly overriding your own needs to meet expectations, your nervous system eventually feels it. The overwhelm, the pressure, the sense that you can’t keep up, it doesn’t come out of nowhere.

I once read the quote, “Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries teach people where the door is,” and it stuck with me. Because boundaries aren’t about shutting people out or becoming someone who always says no. For me, it was never about that. If I’m honest, I didn’t want to say no. I wanted to be the woman who could do it all, see it all, live it all. But what I started to realize is that every time I said yes when the answer was actually no, or even just “not right now,” I was choosing how I was perceived over how I actually felt. I was putting my own needs on the back burner to maintain an image.

The shift didn’t happen all at once, but one question changed everything for me: does this serve me, my goals, or is it adding to my life? That question created a pause, a moment to step out of automatic yes and into something more intentional.

Now, when I start to feel pressure or overwhelmed, I come back to that pause. I take what I’ve come to think of as an emotional inventory and check in with what I actually have the capacity for in that moment. Some days the answer is clear, other days it’s harder, especially when the fear of disappointing others shows up. But what I’ve learned is that when I respond from a place of honesty instead of pressure, I show up more fully in the things I do choose. There’s more presence, more connection, and less resentment.

Boundaries, for me, became less about restriction and more about regulation. About creating space for my nervous system to settle, for my energy to be used in ways that feel aligned, and for my life to reflect what actually matters to me now, not just what once did. By having boundaries, I allow myself to be present while also respecting my limitations. I’ve had to learn a new language of self respect and self worth, and I’m still learning it. There are still moments where I fall back into old patterns, where I feel the pull to say yes out of habit or expectation, but I also notice how different things feel when I don’t.

I feel more grounded, more connected, more like I’m actually living my life instead of managing it. I don’t see boundaries as something that limits my life anymore. I see them as something that allows me to be fully in it.

So now I find myself asking different questions. Less “what should I be doing?” and more “what feels aligned for me in this season?” Less pressure to get it all right, and more curiosity about what’s next. Here is my question to you:

What boundaries have you set for yourself lately, and if you haven’t, what might it look like to start?

If this feels familiar, if you’re noticing the pressure, the overwhelm, the constant “shoulds,” this is the kind of space I hold in my work. A place to slow things down, reconnect with yourself, and figure out what actually feels aligned for you. Let's connect and chat more!

Recovering People Pleaser,

Danielle Field

RN Psychotherapist